Clouds, Waves & Seashells

It hurts. Always. That's the only way to really describe the pain of child loss. Nothing ever feels totally right again. Nothing ever feels totally complete again. It always feels like something is missing. Child loss hurts. Always. 
~(Silent Grief -Child Loss Support)   

The above words are so true for me. He will always be missed by me. The Family went to the Beach yesterday. My Liam & the nephews love the sands & the sun..:) I love watching them play, I can't help but wonder what if?    what if Miguel lived and he's with us. I'm pretty sure the kids would love to carry him at the beach, he would have been 7 months old, giggling, screaming and always laughing. 

The wondering hurts like hell, but made me smile too. I know we'll all have a blast with Him enjoying the water.

I will always remember Miguel and what could have been if our lives were only different. I collected Seashells that day, I needed them to decorate Miguel's grave. I remember when I was pregnant with him, he would kick my tummy when I'm at the beach getting Seashells. I love having them. And Yes He loves seeing waves too. :)

He also loves Clouds. And the Cloud formation yesterday was amazing. It was so beautiful, i will never get tired watching them. They made me think of Miguel playing in Heaven's Cloud. But this Mommy still wish Miguel is within my reach, that I can hold him, hug him and kiss him. I wished and wish that i can carry him while watching the beautiful Sky. It will always be painful for me. There will always be sadness in everything the family would do because I know my Baby Boy will never be there with us.

I love you so much William Miguel. Always.

Hibernation at the Mountains

24th of March ~ Miguel would have been 7 Months "if only" he lived.

I decided to Climb Mountain with your Daddy this day.

not because i don't like to cry and remember you but because I need to remind myself that I need to move forward, 

as hard it may seem for me, I need to look forward because your brother Liam needs me.
But it doesn't mean I will forget you Baby Boy.
You will always be in my heart. You will always be remembered. and I will always Love you Miguel.

I always love walking. Me thinks that the moment my legs begin to move, my thoughts begin to flow..
I love the beauty of Nature. I love the smell of greens. I love the air at the top. 
I love the view from the Summit. I love the simplicity of life in the Mountains.

Still the Same ME

I saw this and realized I feel like this and keep asking myself why I am still able to Go on after Miguel..

"Still." by Stephanie Paige Cole:

"There have been full days that have gone by without me crying. There have been strings of days without breakdowns. There have been times where I've gone hours without talking about her. I've felt normal out with my friends. I've joked and laughed. It's not a big deal anymore. I just have a dead baby, that's all. It has become a part of who I am. How did this happen? How did I get here? How am I not dying every second anymore? How am I still breathing? My heart was ripped out of my body. My soul died. How is there still blood flowing carelessly through my veins? My heart is still beating. How? Something drastic should happen after something so traumatic. All of my hair should fall out, or I should become mute or something. People should be able to know just by looking at me that something has gone terrible wrong." -- page. 19

Looking at myself last 2009, I realized I've changed a lot, not only physically but emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I know back then that Life isn't fair but I did everything to get through with much greater hope for the future. But now, after all I've been through I definitely believe that it takes a survivor, a strong individual to be able to triumph on this ordeal. I am not sure I'm over it, not yet. and maybe never will..

♥missing you so much Baby. You would have been 7 Months old on the 24th..im dying for "what might have been".."if only"..I love you little one..