luksa- to be in mourning
Babang luksa ~first-year death anniversary, END OF MOURNING
The word baba means "to lower" (a mourning veil, often white, that was worn in the old days).
What Filipino Catholics call the gathering to mark the end of a mourning period.
After a death in the family, devout Filipino Catholics mourn by wearing black or by pinning a small black rectangle on their upper garments (usually on the left side of the chest). On the first-year death anniversary, the death is remembered and from then on clothes in bright colors can be worn again. It is also celebrated with foods and Padasal (Prayers).
Thank you Google but No thanks. I don't need to be reminded that on June 14, my mourning should END. or I need to at least try to lessen the grief. No way! that will never Happen. You know why? simply because my son is not here with me. that's all! Because he's there in the ground not in my arms, where it should be..
~ the term i hated and dreaded because I know I will never get over my Son's death.
Yet how does one really stop mourning one’s Child? It is really tough to understand why other people expect us to do this, to stop grieving, to stop crying for the losses.
How? tell me! How could a Mother stop Longing and Aching for her Baby?!
I guess, the mourning will never stop when it comes to Child Loss.
Traditional Filipinos (and “neo-traditional” Pinays like me) will often wear black for a year when a close family member dies. (I have to say that I did it for few days, but stop wearing black as soon as realized that I hate what it symbolizes) I thought no matter what colors i wear, it doesn't matter, My Baby is Dead.
( Getting Miguel's Birth flower & Liam's too)
The closer I get to the one year anniversary, the more I feel fucking sad all the time.
I thought I was feeling better a couple of months ago, I thought i will get some HEALING.
but the closer i get to Miguel's birthday the worse I am feeling. I know right, it doesn't feel right to be crying all the time, to think about what could have been? the what if? the baby's mile stone if only he lived.
For me Babang Luksa would mean, Remembering those precious moments we shared together
in that cold delivery room, surrounded by happy Mommies holding their babies.
Hearing those babies cry is like a non stop stab in my broken heart.
Yes, while I was there looking sad, torn, broken and helpless, tear stained from all the mixed emotions i was feeling,
I was with happy people with LIVE Babies!
I am also reminded that my baby is dead, while they're able to keep those annoyingly noisy babies.
I will never stop grieving for my losses and My Miguel. NEVER. that I know in my heart.
I still can't believe he's gone. 11 Months ago today, I saw his beautiful face.
His perfect little nose & lips and those eyes that made me cry until now because it didn't open.
I was able to hold him, to kiss his sweet cheeks, to touch those perfect little feet.
and I was able to hold his hand close to my heart.
Those were the moments I will FOREVER treasure in my life.
( Miguel's Birth flower ~ The Rose/Honeysuckle)
The pain will never go away. It will still be the same like it was just yesterday when I gave birth to my baby boy.
I know that in my wounded heart. Yes, I will smile, I will be okay, I will try to Laugh HARDER, I will try to MOVE FORWARD and will try not to cry all the time, but the pain, it will forever be a part of me. No matter how many Death Anniversarries will come, No matter how many Birthdays I will have to celebrate for Miguel, THE PAIN WILL STILL BE THE SAME.