Miguel's First Heavenly Birthday!

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Baby Boy!!!

The day wasn't so bad as I anticipated it to be. It was kinda bitter sweet. 

I wasn't able to visit him the day of his birthday. I'm so sad about it and the guilt feelings is such a torture.

But due to my medical condition, I wasn't advised to travel the 8-10 hrs drive.

We lit candles in memory of him. 

I'm kinda at peace remembering the day that I saw and held you.

                                              We had balloons and wrote messages for him.
                                    Your Older Brother Liam & Uncle Ejay misses you little one.

Tita Janang from Ilocos Sur Visited you, lit candle and gave you beautiful roses Baby.

I couldn't be happier.

I just wish we were able to put your headstone and painted your resting place.:(

Your life was a blessing. You are loved beyond word. You are missed beyond measure.

                                                               We love you Miguel!!!

I love you Miguel!

Parents of child loss do not use regular calendars to mark time. They use the date of their child's birth and the date their child left this earth. You will hear us say, "It has been 5 years, two months, and three days since my son went to heaven." That's how significant our child's life was -- we know the very day -- the very minute -- they left this earth. If only others weren't so afraid to ask us and to mention our child!!!! Trust us in this, we haven't forgotten. Our child is on our mind constantly! ~ Silent Grief_Child Loss Support




Tomorrow is my 30th Birthday. I don't know what to feel. I am consumed with so much grief and sadness.
I miss my Miguel so much...

My Song for Miguel

One song to remember. Listening to this again brought me to the day you were in my arms.
I will always carry you in my heart my precious Baby Boy!
Mommy loves you to the moon and back.
I miss you so much more today.

End of Mourning (Babang Luksa)

This is the meaning of BABANG LUKSA I've found in google. 

luksa- to be in mourning

nagluluksa- mourning

 Babang luksa ~first-year death anniversary, END OF MOURNING

The word baba means "to lower" (a mourning veil, often white, that was worn in the old days).  

What Filipino Catholics call the gathering to mark the end of a mourning period.  

After a death in the family, devout Filipino Catholics mourn by wearing black or by pinning a small black rectangle on their upper garments (usually on the left side of the chest). On the first-year death anniversary, the death is remembered and from then on clothes in bright colors can be worn again. It is also celebrated with foods and Padasal (Prayers).

Thank you Google but No thanks. I don't need to be reminded that on June 14, my mourning should END. or I need to at least try to lessen the grief. No way! that will never Happen. You know why? simply because my son is not here with me. that's all! Because he's there in the ground not in my arms, where it should be..

~Babang luksa

  ~ the term i hated and dreaded because I know I will never get over my Son's death.

Yet how does one really stop mourning one’s Child?  It is really tough to understand why other people expect us to do this, to stop grieving, to stop crying for the losses.

How? tell me! How could a Mother stop Longing and Aching for her Baby?!

I guess, the mourning will never stop when it comes to Child Loss.

Traditional Filipinos (and “neo-traditional” Pinays like me) will often wear black for a year when a close family member dies. (I have to say that I did it for few days,  but stop wearing black as soon as realized that I hate what it symbolizes) I thought no matter what colors i wear, it doesn't matter, My Baby is Dead. 

                                                                        ( Getting Miguel's Birth flower & Liam's too)

The closer I get to the one year anniversary, the more I feel fucking sad all the time. 

I thought I was feeling better a couple of months ago, I thought i will get some HEALING.

but the closer i get to Miguel's birthday the worse I am feeling. I know right, it doesn't feel right to be crying all the time, to think about what could have been? the what if? the baby's mile stone if only he lived.

My own interpretation is very different.
For me Babang Luksa would mean, Remembering those precious moments we shared together
in that cold delivery room, surrounded by happy Mommies holding their babies.
Hearing those babies cry is like a non stop stab in my broken heart.
Yes, while I was there looking sad, torn, broken and helpless, tear stained from all the mixed emotions i was feeling,
I was with happy people with LIVE Babies!
I am also reminded that my baby is dead, while they're able to keep those annoyingly noisy babies.

                                                       


I will never stop grieving for my losses and My Miguel. NEVER. that I know in my heart.
I still can't believe he's gone. 11 Months ago today, I saw his beautiful face.
His perfect little nose & lips and those eyes that made me cry until now because it didn't open.
I was able to hold him, to kiss his sweet cheeks, to touch those perfect little feet.
and I was able to hold his hand close to my heart.
Those were the moments I will FOREVER treasure in my life.

                                                               ( Miguel's Birth flower ~ The Rose/Honeysuckle)

The pain will never go away. It will still be the same like it was just yesterday when I gave birth to my baby boy.

I know that in my wounded heart. Yes, I will smile, I will be okay, I will try to Laugh HARDER, I will try to MOVE FORWARD and will try not to cry all the time, but the pain, it will  forever be a part of me. No matter how many Death Anniversarries will come, No matter how many Birthdays I will have to celebrate for Miguel, THE PAIN WILL STILL BE THE SAME.

I will never be the same again.

Child loss is life-altering. We think differently, act differently, feel differently. We'll never be the same person again following the loss of our child. How ironic when people say, "It's good to see you beignning to look like your old self again." Little do they know that our "old self" died the moment our child left this earth. ~ Silent Grief - Child Loss Support


Today 11 Months and 4 days after, I still think of you Baby Miguel. Not a day goes by that I stop wondering what should have been. My heart is still broken.

My Birth Month

                  I was thinking of wishes and what I want to get for my 30th birthday on the 24th.

                                                No Celebration. No greetings. Nothing. 

                                                           Just plain simple wishes.

First Wish is for Miguel's Place to have a Head Stone.

I love "Too beautiful for Earth" quote to be written below his name.

I would also like to visit him come my bday or his Daddy's bday.

 My Second Wish is to have a new Tattoo. I know others would raise eyebrows and would say, I am now a needle addict but I don't care. I just want to get this blue rose. Why? It's my sweet Baby's Birth Flower. 

The Feather is to remind me that I have an Angel big enough to watch over me and my family.

No Fancy things to wish for, I've learned few years back that Materials things will not make me really Happy. Honestly, I don't know what to feel on that day. Yes, I will be a hypocrite if I would celebrate and fake happiness. Last year, during my Bday we planned on getting Miguel's Crib, buy Baby Clothes and stuff for him. We were so happy, imagining what would he look like. I am thankful that we didn't do this right after my fiance and I agreed on certain things to get. I don't know how painful it would have been for me if ever I will saw the baby stuff at home. Next Month is Miguel's First Birthday In heaven. I still can't believe how time flies.  The more it gets nearer, the more I'm feeling sad. I guess, I will really never get over His death. NEVER.

Last Wish, No greetings please. I don't like to get a Happy " 

HAPPY Birthday!" on that day. Please. No questions. Just 

Prayers. Pray for me on that day..

I read this from a support group online:

"There are countless losses that can come into our lives, but the most painful, heartbreaking loss anyone can ever bear is "child loss." There is nothing -- absolutley nothing -- that can compare."

It hit Home. I really thought that losing my first love would kill me, but after Losing Miguel, I realized how shallow I am then..There's nothing, no loss whatsoever can compare to the loss of a child. In my case, not once but 4 times in a row..That's the reason for my wishes. To honor Miguel and just LOVE him the way I can..

Clouds, Waves & Seashells

It hurts. Always. That's the only way to really describe the pain of child loss. Nothing ever feels totally right again. Nothing ever feels totally complete again. It always feels like something is missing. Child loss hurts. Always. 
~(Silent Grief -Child Loss Support)   

The above words are so true for me. He will always be missed by me. The Family went to the Beach yesterday. My Liam & the nephews love the sands & the sun..:) I love watching them play, I can't help but wonder what if?    what if Miguel lived and he's with us. I'm pretty sure the kids would love to carry him at the beach, he would have been 7 months old, giggling, screaming and always laughing. 

The wondering hurts like hell, but made me smile too. I know we'll all have a blast with Him enjoying the water.

I will always remember Miguel and what could have been if our lives were only different. I collected Seashells that day, I needed them to decorate Miguel's grave. I remember when I was pregnant with him, he would kick my tummy when I'm at the beach getting Seashells. I love having them. And Yes He loves seeing waves too. :)

He also loves Clouds. And the Cloud formation yesterday was amazing. It was so beautiful, i will never get tired watching them. They made me think of Miguel playing in Heaven's Cloud. But this Mommy still wish Miguel is within my reach, that I can hold him, hug him and kiss him. I wished and wish that i can carry him while watching the beautiful Sky. It will always be painful for me. There will always be sadness in everything the family would do because I know my Baby Boy will never be there with us.

I love you so much William Miguel. Always.